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Turning the Page to 2020

April 23, 2020

Oh, hey guys! It’s been a good minute since I sat down to write a blog post, especially a personal one.

I’m going to do my best to keep this casual – excuse improper grammar or lackadaisical writing skill. I consider you guys my friends, so let’s keep it comfy. Agreed?

Well, the last time I let you in on life I was in front of my phone screen with tears in my eyes not really sure what to say but feeling heavy… like I needed to just say something. After all, I let you guys in on lots of things over on social media. The influx of responses from all of you filled my heart and let me know that being open was the right thing to do. And, I’ve never had the opportunity to properly thank you. So, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

During that time, it felt like my world was crumbling in on itself and I felt helpless and hopeless about it. Everything I thought I wanted was being taken from me and there was nothing I could do about it. (Enneagram fans – a 6’s worst nightmare, am I right?!)

Yet, I lived in a paradoxical world. Sure, the last few years of my life were great. I consider myself a pretty optimistic person; half glass full kind of gal. Truly, I think that’s what kept me floating along most days. But what no one else saw were the nights I’d cry myself to sleep or curse God and my life, screaming and crying in the car alone. Some things felt so unfair and hurtful and I always kept them secret, plastering a smile on my face for the public to see. Secret sadness tucked away in my back pocket that only I knew. I felt wrong for my feelings.

But, that’s not to say I was constantly sad. I wasn’t. A lot of my life was good. Great, actually. And I used those times to justify what wasn’t good. To justify what didn’t feel fair (a’hem, *wasn’t fair). Which, only now, I understand isn’t how life works.

When things finally got so out of control that even a smile couldn’t hide it, I had to learn to let go. It was hard. I remember feeling completely broken yet relieved at the same time. It’s a feeling I can’t explain to someone who hasn’t been through it themselves.

How can two completely opposite emotions coincide so seamlessly?

As someone who likes reason, I struggled with this. I searched for a why, an explanation, over and over again. Prayer after prayer was said. I wanted to know that even though life felt lost, I would find it again.

When I moved back home with my parents, lots of tears were shed. My bedroom was no longer mine. Now, my bed resides in the corner of my parent’s office. Not ideal, but strangely the relief I felt remained heavy in my heart. And slowly, life at home started to feel normal again. Schedules were rebuilt and the change felt good.

Fast forward to around Christmas time. My sisters (among others) talked to me a lot about dating. I got the advice of not getting “too comfortable” or “too sad” told to me over and over and it’s something I took to heart and put a lot of thought into. I knew I deserved a true love and I most definitely knew I was able to give it. Not once did I doubt it.

I put my trust in God’s plan and I prayed. I prayed often the past two years, but not ever like this. I wanted understanding. Clear understanding. More than anything.

Let me preface the next part with saying, I did ask Grant for permission before writing this. Although, he claims to not mind even without permission because… well, he’s just sweet.

Then, December 26th, I found myself matched (kind of against the odds – but that’s for another day) on Bumble with a man who’s smile instantly caught my attention. His name is Grant. And we chatted… and chatted… and chatted. Sometimes, well into the night. I think our record is 6am.

The whole thing kind of caught me off guard. It had only been a month or so since moving back home (which I lied about on our first date – he knows though guys, all is forgiven) and I had only just started feeling more like myself again. Finally settling into a new routine, one that still felt foreign and needed adjusting.

There had been flukes before Grant. But something about him felt different; trustworthy. And I knew I couldn’t pass that up. So I pushed fear aside and I went for it anyway. I figured, what better time to be brave? Nothing amazing ever happens in your comfort zone, after all.

Gosh, I was scared… anxious… intimidated… and all of the other synonyms for nervous you can think of. So much so, that I told him I couldn’t meet him until January 11th because I was just “too busy” (again, forgiven). I felt over my head but excited at the same time.

On our first date, we hiked (AKA nature walked), had lunch, and walked the beach – for six miles mind you. It was fun and a tad awkward. Mostly on my part. But we gave it a second shot anyway. And a third after that. And a fourth, fifth, sixth… and gosh, I am so thankful for it all.

The patience I’ve been shown by him is unmatched. It’s allowed me to grow in ways I didn’t know I needed to grow and it’s brought back my happiness. Pure happiness. The kind with no strings attached. He reads my mind and my body language and everything in between. He kind of knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He feels like an old friend and he has since day one.

I have never known love like the love he shows me. But it’s the love I had prayed for for a really really long time.

Along the way, I’ve prayed for signs. Signs to clarify the path I’m on with him. And those prayers have been answered in ways that bring me chills. Crystal clear, tangible, clearer than day… plain ol’ signs. There’s really no other way to put it.

Signs that make the speed of all of this feel safe and comfortable.

And, along with Grant, there have been so many other positive changes in my life.

Last month, my Young Living team almost hit the rank of Executive. Like… WHAT?! That was a rank I dreamed of since starting and it gets me closer and closer to the freakin’ life changing rank of Silver. I’m stoked if you can’t tell! And I can’t wait for the day I can call Executive mine.

And besides Young Living, Poised Avenue… wow. I can’t believe I get to make money doing something that I love to do. The idea of running a brand design studio was one of the things that felt crushed late last year. I had just finished setting up my office and had everything ready to go right before it all came crumbling. Halted as if to mock me. But since the start of 2020, I’ve had a pretty steady amount of work and it has made me so, so happy. Sure, I can’t go full time (yet). But with each project and each client, I learn something new and take away invaluable experience I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate.

And, on top of it all, I feel healthier, happier, and stronger than ever… mentally and physically. Running is still my favorite form of meditation. Yoga inversions make me happy. Fresh air and sunshine are my BFFs. And I’ve been back on the BBG program since last month.

Like always, I try to put a lot of effort into what I put in and on my body. But as of late, I put a lot of focus on the well-being of my heart and my mind, too. I’ve read a couple self help books (P.S. I started a virtual book club and we’re up to 300+ members. It’s totally awesome, you should join. Click here!!), talked to lots of friends, and spend lots of time alone to process my thoughts in a way that’s beneficial to me. When feelings come, I let myself feel them. But quickly remind myself that dwelling on a feeling is different than processing a feeling. And being metacognitive comes more naturally with practice (yay). I have loved every bit of it.

Guys, life has been good. And I’m glad to have you to share that with.

So far, 2020 has been absolutely incredible – pandemic and all. And I look forward to what the rest of the year has to teach me.

I wish all of you nothing but happiness and light!

AND, if you’ve read this far… 1) you’re awesome 2) comment your favorite thing about 2020 below so we can all celebrate together 🙂 xx

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